


"Thing" Is an Excellent Safe-Word (Not Really)

by Arcwin



Category: Dirk Gently - Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Awkward Flirting, Dirk is trying hard to be sexy, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Safewords, Silly, silly narrator, talk about sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 13:23:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13272321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arcwin/pseuds/Arcwin
Summary: Dirk keeps staring at his feet, the tips of his ears turning a silly shade of pink. He’s well aware of how pink they are, thankyouverymuch, and yes, he hates it. Don’t bring it up again.





	"Thing" Is an Excellent Safe-Word (Not Really)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Beta_Jawn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beta_Jawn/gifts).



> Written as a response to a prompt from a ridiculous late night conversation between myself and the two other members of fangirls anonymous, [ Beta_Jawn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beta_Jawn/profile) and [Smeared Black Ink](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmearedBlackInk/works). Love you two and our conversations so bad!

“Right! It’s decided then,” Dirk exclaims loudly, knocking Todd out of his dissociative reverie. It wasn’t a particularly interesting reverie, to be fair. Mostly about guitars and favorite pizza toppings. Not a great loss.

“What’s decided?” Todd asks, turning to face Dirk, who has a positively pleased expression on his face. Similar, in fact, to the face toddlers make when they find a piece of month-old candy on the floor and sneak it before anyone notices.

Dirk’s lips turn up at the corners. “I would like to propose the word _thing_ as our safe word.” He waggles his eyebrows at Todd, grin spreading.

Todd blinks. He blinks again. He blinks a third time, hoping that perhaps this time it might clarify the situation for him. It doesn’t. He’s annoyed. Another blink? Still no clue. Damn. “Safe word for what, Dirk?”

“Oh, Todd. You are _funny!_ Silly, silly man. _Safe word for what?_ ” he repeats, dropping his voice in a frankly pathetic imitation. He then chuckles to himself, shaking his head at his friend’s absurdity. Safe word for what indeed!

Todd frowns. “No, really, Dirk. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Safe word for what?”

Dirk then chooses this very moment to do something he really, really hates to do: he forgets how to speak. Well, to be honest, he doesn’t actually choose this consciously. It’s more a subconscious, annoying thing that occurs when he’s suddenly, completely, ridiculously out of his depth. Nevertheless, it happens, and he hates it. His mouth opens and closes like a fish and his eyes take on a distant, 1000 mile stare. His head quirks _just so_ and the British in him makes his spine straighten dramatically, attempting to instill some confidence and perhaps reboot his speaking abilities. Unfortunately, his posturing fails him, so he instead chooses to stare pointedly at Todd, hoping against hope that he might just realize what the hell he’s talking about so he doesn’t have to explain himself.

Todd doesn’t get it. Not even a little bit. And now, Dirk is starting to feel awkward. He silently begs his vocal chords to work, and attempts a response. The croak that comes out makes Todd giggle, which in turn makes Dirk feel a little less awkward.

Suddenly, Todd stops smiling and turns bright red. “Dirk...you don’t mean…”

Oh. _Oh_. Is this one of those times where Dirk’s forgotten about social norms and boundaries ( _again_ ) and now he’s made Todd uncomfortable? He sighs. _Probably_. Shit.

Todd takes a deep breath, looking out the window momentarily to find himself. He doesn’t find himself at all, so he turns back to look at Dirk, who now seems horribly embarrassed. Dammit. Time to try to fix this. He probably won’t fix it at all, since he’s rubbish at this sort of thing, but he’d like to try anyway. “Dirk...you’re talking about sex, right?” Dirk stares at his feet. “It’s okay, really...I’m just...well to be honest, I’m just a bit surprised. Since...well, we aren’t even...um... _together_ , yet…,” he trails off, feeling a complete lack of eloquence and subsequently confidence in his ability to continue this conversation.

Dirk keeps staring at his feet, the tips of his ears turning a silly shade of pink. He’s well aware of how pink they are, thankyouverymuch, and yes, he hates it. Don’t bring it up again.

Determined, he rallies his vocal chords and clears his throat. “Well, I had read on the internet that when engaging in those...types...of activities, that it is best to have a safe word established beforehand. Wait--” His eyes snap back up to Todd suddenly. “ _Yet?_ Did you say _yet?_ Meaning...not now but could very possibly, maybe, _likely_ happen in the future? The _near_ future, perhaps?”

Todd’s ears, having observed that silly shade of pink on Dirk, decide that red rather suits them better. “Well...um...yeah, Dirk. I said _yet_ but I don’t want you to feel obligated or…”

“Knew it! Aren’t you glad we have a safe word picked out?”

“Wait, you mean...are you saying...wait what are you saying, Dirk?” Todd fumbles, ears still parading around like maraschino cherries on the sides of his head. _Ridiculous_.

“I’m saying…,” Dirk starts, getting out of his chair and walking in a way he really, really hopes is sexy and seductive towards Todd. It could be, except he bangs his shin on the coffee table and whines involuntarily before trying to act like a badass and continue like nothing happened. He sort of fails at it, wincing with every step. Nonetheless, he makes his way over and leans into Todd’s space. “That we should _definitely_ put our safe word to use.”

Todd’s breath catches as Dirk towers over him, hands on the arms of the chair Todd occupies. “Dirk, safe words are for...um…”

“Yes I know they’re for sex, Todd. _Duh_.”

“No, they aren’t just for sex, they’re for...a certain kind of sex. Also you use them when things aren’t...well, okay anymore. So, putting them to use would actually mean we’re doing things that aren’t okay, which...well, I’d rather do things that we both... _like_. Wouldn’t you?” Todd’s words spill out of him, much _much_ too quickly for his liking but basically unavoidable given Dirk’s proximity and the seriously sensual way he’s staring at Todd and licking his lips. “Um, also, I don’t know that _thing_ is...uh...right for that situation…”

Dirk purses his lips and frowns. He hadn’t considered that. Also, a particular type of sex? There is more than one kind of sex? Isn’t sex just...sex? Wait, wait. He’s talking about sex _with Todd who definitely seems like he is interested in it._ Who cares about the different kinds of sex!?

“Fine, fine, sure, Todd. Good thinking. Always thinking ahead. Planning. That’s why you’re my assistant. Although, I think we may need to revise your title if we start having many exciting kinds of sex together, don’t you? Maybe...assis-lover? Assis-boyfriend, even? I mean, I don’t know about you, but I am not very interested in the whole friends-with-benefits type of relationship. It’s all or nothing for me, Todd, all or nothing. Do you accept my terms?”

Todd’s turn to be unable to speak and make fish mouth movements. He also hates it just as much as Dirk does. Stupid, stupid mouth. Stop gaping and answer the man!

“Slow down, Dirk. How about we just start with a kiss?”

“Until we pick a new safe word, I’m still using _thing,_ ” Dirk replies, trying very hard to keep it cool even though his new assis-lover just suggested that they kiss, and that idea is both frightening and exhilarating.

“Sure, Dirk,” Todd replies before propelling himself forward, closing the gap between them and initiating their first ever kiss. Todd’s kissed both men and women before, but he’s never kissed Dirk and that, _well_. It’s an _entirely_ new experience. Dirk’s lips are soft and pliant, yet strong--unsurprising given the amount of time he spends talking. His skin is smoother than Todd expects, and it feels amazing under his hands. Immediately he feels guilty for kissing such a beautiful human, and then Dirk comes back online after the initial shock of the juncture and starts kissing him back, erasing any conscious thoughts in Todd’s head.

Minutes, weeks, years pass, and then they’re both gasping, having forgotten how important oxygen is while they were connected to each other.

“ _Thing?”_ Todd asks.

Dirk shakes his head. “Nope. No _things_ here.”

Todd smiles. “Good. No things here either.”

Assis-lover it is, then.


End file.
